A Speckled Star's lone desire
by Holly of the Night
Summary: Starclan's supposed to watch over and support every clan cat from kits to apprentices, elders, warriors and queens. They were supposd to have taken care of her one kit that was never to blame for what happened to him... * Speckletail * * Snowkit *
1. A Speckled Star's welcome

**A story of Speckletail and what she finds in Starclan that changes from behing a happy moment to one pure terror and anger for the tabby she-cat. **

**Chapter 1**

Silvery mist could be seen everywhere. It was on the skies, from the horizon. Even below her. Speckletail blinked and looked about her, trying to peer through the mists. But it was so thick that it was like trying to look through a tree. She might even be near a tree and not even know it!

"Hello?" she called uncerntainly. She noticed right away that her voice sounded younger, stronger. Very unlike the croak she had mewed as an elder. She still rememberd vividly of herself sitting next to Loudbelly, Frostfur and Shadepelt as they slowly starved while their clan mates moved on to find another home after the forest fell.

A shaft of light suddenly beamed before her very eyes. The tabby she-cat crouched, frightened as she squinted at the light.

_Speckletail..._

Speckletail pricked her ears. It was coming from the light.

_Speckletail..._

She hesitated for a moment, then padded quietly to the light. The light surround her, and the she-cat was filled with warmth and comfort. There was another bright flash of light, and she found herself standing in a clearing.

Before her stood four shapes. With four very familiar faces. Faces that had ceased to breathe long ago in the living. But here they were, smiling at her invitingly. That could only mean one thing.

"Am I in Starclan?" Speckletail whispered.

A gray tom with small ears and stars shining from his pelt nodded. Smallear padded forward and touched his nose with Speckletail's.

"It's been so long," he mewed happily. He turned and waved his tail. The two other cats-Speckletai's heart leaped when she saw that it was her children Goldenflower and Lionheart-padded forward as well to touch noses with their mother.

The tabby she-cat was bursting with joy. "You have no idea how long I've waited for this moment!" she flung herself at her mate and covered his face with licks. Lionheart turned away with an embarrased look on his face while Goldenflower purred with laughter.

"Speckletail! Speckletail it's alright now! We'll have the rest of our lives to enjoy each other's company!" Smallear laughed as he tried to wrestle his mate from him.

The tabby she-cat was able to take control of herself and stood away from her mate. She looked at them with shining eyes. "You have no idea how happy I am to see you all..."

"I think we do, dear Speckletail." The last figure that had not introduced itself stepped forward. Speckletail's eyes widened when she saw who it was.

Bluestar dipped her head. "It's been a while."

Speckletail dipped her head as well. "Bluestar! How has your life been in Starclan?"

"Content to be with my starry ancestors, but still busy watching over the living," the previous Thunderclan leader mewed good-naturally. She flicked her tail behind her. "Would you like to come with us? We can introduce you to the old crew."

Speckletail nodded and followed her family and previous Thunderclan leader through Starclan. She sighed in happiness as she listened to Bluestar talk about Starclan's hunting grounds and how borders did not exist here because cats didn't need to go hungry. She felt the seasons of hard work for her clan, all the moments she struggled to help her clan, all the times she had to make choices for herself and family finally be fulfulled and worth it.

Family...

Speckletail frowned and looked at them. Someone was missing...

"Where's Snowkit?" she asked, looking around. Though he had died as a kit and would live on as one in Starclan, Speckletail was most anxicous to see him above everyone else. She still felt guilty about the Hawk that grabbed him away from her. All she wanted was to see his face and apologize endlessly for her stupid mistake!

Bluestar didn't turn around or address that she head Speckletail. The tabby she-cat looked to her mate. Smallear's head was down, his eyes clouded in guilt.

She stopped in her tracks. "Where's Snowkit?" she repeated firmly.

It was evident now that something was wrong. Goldenflower was looking anywhere but her mother, and Lionheart found his paws to be of most interest. Only Smallear and Bluestar turned to look at Speckletail. She didn't like the look on their faces.

Bluestar shook her head. "I'm sorry Speckletail, but Snowkit is not here."

Speckletail felt as if she had just died all over again. "What?" she whispered.

_No, that can't be! He didn't grow to serve his clan__ properly,__ but he was just a kit! Surely Starclan would have taken pity on him__ and bring him to their hunting grounds__?_

"Starclan tried to find him!" Smallear mewed urgently. "But we couldn't. His spiri-"

"Why?" The happiness that had filled her heart was drained in rage. "Was it because he was deaf?"

"Speckletail," Bluestar mewed sadly. "It had nothing to do with Snowkit being deaf-"

"Then why isn't he here?" Speckletail screeched, losing control of herself. She had been so sure her kit would be accepted into Starclan. That one thought that kept her sane for the rest of her life for failing to protect her kit...

Smallear sighed. "After Snowkit was grabbed by the Hawk, it took him too far away for Starclan to locate him. They tried hard to look for him, but he was just too far for us to sense his presence." He shook his head sadly. "I've had to accept that we may never see him again. And you-"

"No!" Speckletail shook her head wildly. Grief threatened to flood her. This can't be happening! Snowkit's safe! He's just lost somewhere...

"Maybe he's still alive," she thought out loud. It was a slim chance to hope for it, but Speckletail latched onto the idea like a starving kit. "He could still be out there somewhere, hunting and raising a family on his own."

Bluestar sighed. "Speckletail, you know as well as I do that Snowkit is dead. Believe me, when I found out he wasn't in Starclan I tried desperately to search for him, but it's just too far and-"

"How do you know he's dead?" Speckletail demanded angrily.

The gray she-cat narrowed her eyes. "Because I accept the truth," she murmured.

Speckletail gulped. "I'm going to look for my son now," she mewed, trying hard to stay in control.

"Speckletail," Smallear mewed, padding up to her.

The pale she-cat hissed and swiped her paw at her mate. He jumped back, a look of hurt on his face more by his mate's reaction than the cut he received.

"Don't touch me!" she hissed. Speckletail turned her back on her mate and children, who looked shocked by their mother's action, and ran wildly through Starclan.

"Speckletail!" Lionheart called, following his mother.

"Let her go," Smallear murmured.

The Golden tom turned to see the gray tom sitting sadly next to Bluestar, who looked equally sad.

"She has to find out on her own, we can't force it on her," Smallear mewed quietly while Bluestar nodded stiffly.

Lionheart sighed and sat on his haunches. Goldenflower sat beside him and lowered her head in defeat. They could hear her calling Snowkit's name as she looked wildly for a small white kit with bright blue eyes.

**Snowkit has never been seen at all in Starclan after his death. So I figured it could only mean he was too far away for Starclan to have been able to locate his presence, whether alive or dead.**


	2. A New Hope

**Unfinished, but this is the last chapter. I just lost my interest with this story, and I don't see the point in continuing it unless I become interested, otherwise it wouldn't be a very good read. But I had forgotten about this chapter and decided to proof-read it and post it here. So, enjoy and hope you like it.**

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* * *

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**Chapter 2**

Speckletail looked wildly around her. Since she had never seen Starclan up till now, the grounds and trees looked very unfamiliar to her.. There was a large lake beside her that stretched so far around it'd take her at least a day's journey to run the whole perimeter. Everywhere she saw there were cats from various clans hunting, playing, swimming, basking in the sun and just plain content for being a Starclan cat.

But the she-cat did not care for any of those. She ran as fast as she could, flinging stars behind her and all aware that she was not even the least bit tired. The tabby she-cat had already covered half the grounds, questioning other Starclan cats for a small white kit.

But every time she asked, they all answered her with the same thing. He's not here. He could not be found. He's gone.

Gone...

No!

Speckletail tripped over a root and fell sprawled on the ground. She did even bother to get up. The grief was too much. The grass before her clouded and blurred together for her to not be able to distinguish the stem from the tip. She gave a small meow of loss and covered her face with her paws.

"Snowkit. I'm so sorry..."

**((_endpage_))**

"She seems down today..."

"She's just been sitting there ever since she arrived!"

"Not even her friends could rouse her from her depressed state."

"Her daughter tried to talk to her, but she just lashed out at her and told her to leave her alone."

"... do you think she doesn't like being here?"

"Are you mousebrain? Who'd not want a chance to share wisdom with their ancestors?"

Background noise. That's all it was to Speckletail. Or, at least that's what she was trying to make them seem like. She growled when she heard them and covered her ears with her paws, staring straight ahead at the leveled grass before her.

Ever since she accepted that Snowkit was not in Starclan, Speckletail had spent her time sitting and laying by herself under a tree root. Since she was already dead, she did not need to eat. And since there were no predators in Starclan she had nothing to fear. To not worry about feeding and protecting other clan cats that were fine on their own here. No hunger or wariness to distract her from her unhappy thoughts.

From a careful distance away from his mate, Smallear watched sadly as Speckletail gazed with blank eyes at the tree roots before her. He couldn't bare to see his mate so unhappy. When he had died and learned the truth about Snowkit he was heart-broken. But Smallear was able to accept the loss and continue to try to assist in guiding Thunderclan as best he could by watching over his grandson Brambleclaw and forget about Snowkit.

But it seemed Speckletail was dead set on not only remembering Snowkit, but allowing herself to grief for his loss. He had expected her to have been happier in Starclan, but if anything she's twice as worse now than she was while she was still alive.

_Because she had Thunderclan to look after. Here, she has nothing to distract her mind..._

He sensed a cat sit beside him. But he didn't need to turn to know who it was.

"She hasn't moved from that spot yet?" he son Lionheart asked worriedly.

Smallear shook his head. "She doesn't need to. And I worry she might never recover from her shock." He sighed sadly.

Lionheart sniffed angrily. "What's Bluestar doing about this?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Yes, Lionheart, that's what I said." The Golden tabby was about to argue. Smallear raised his paw for silence. "Though I know you worry about Speckletail, you must remember that as an ex-Thunderclan Leader, Bluestar has to look out for the living Thunderclan leader to guide him. Starclan only helps to guide the living cats when they join us in the afterlife; after the new cats must work out the rest on their own. A kit can not learn to grow if the mother keeps watching over it."

Lionheart snorted. "Yeah, but if it was Mosskit that was missing Bluestar may act the same way as Speckletail."

"Would she?" Smallear asked softly.

"Of course! You saw the memories. It was only because she saw how happy Mosskit was in Starclan she was even able to continue living to become deputy! Speckletail had nothing except hope driving her forward to believe Snowkit was happy and cared for in Starclan. But when she saw for herself what that hope turned out to be..." he broke off.

Smallear stared at Speckletail without a word.

"... what if we can help her find Snowkit?"

The gray tabby's tail twitched. "What do you mean?"

Lionheart hesitated. "What if we were able to convince Speckletail there was a way for her to find Snowkit? Not in Starclan, but... somewhere else?"

Smallear stared at Lionheart. This was a cat who had looked to Bluestar and followed fiercely by her side through and through. But the tragic state in Speckletail to seemed to have changed his opinions about his leader completely. What Lionheart might be suggesting, and Smallear had a pretty good idea he knew what it might be, would go against Starclan's very rules and fears.

He sighed in weariness that had nothing to do with age of physique. "Yes, I think it's the only way..."

**((_endpage_))**

"Speckletail?" Smallear called softly. The she-cat did not stir. "Speckletail," he tried again, a little more loudly. Still nothing.

"Here, let me try," Lionheart mewed grimly. He padded right up to his mother and stood in front of her. Still Speckletail ignored him. Without warning the golden tom jumped on the she-cat. Smallear tensed, but did nothing. Lionheart pushed Speckletail to her paws, then cuffed her over the head.

"Come on, Speckletail, wake up!" Lionblaze called. "You can't act grumpy forever!" He aimed another blow to her head, careful to keep his claws sheathed.

The she-cat retaliated by instinctively ducking from his aim. She lashed out her own paws, claws unsheathed. She struck her son on the chest and cheek. He yowled and jumped back, bleeding.

Speckletail stood before him, fur bristling. She still had Lionheart's fur and blood in her claws. But what scared Smallear was not that she had attacked her own son violently. It was her eyes. They had become hollow and uncomprehending. She stared at Lionheart without really seeing him.

"Speckletail!" Smallear mewed loudly. He stood between Lionheart, who was beginning to growl in disbelief, and his mate who still had that blank look on her face. If he didn't do something now there would be a chance Starclan would send her away to the Dark Forest. "Listen to me, and listen to me carefully," he mewed slowly.

She stared at him, but other than that did nothing. It's a start. Smallear gulped. "I think there may be a way for you to find Snowkit," he mewed quietly.

Speckletail blinked.

Smallear tensed.

"... Snowkit?" she mewed quietly. Her eyes were beginning to clear, but with difficulty as she tried to understand what he was saying.

The gray tom nodded, though he never broke eye contact with the tabby she-cat for signs of understanding. "That's what you want, isn't it? To find the lost kit? Snowkit?"

"Snowkit," Speckletail murmured. She licked her lips and repeated the word again. "Snowkit..."

Lionheart was now staring at his mother with dismay. Speckletail blinked rapidly. "You can help me... find Snowkit?" Smallear could now see the blank look receding and the sharp eyes of his mate take effect.

She's fighting it!

"Yes. But I will warn you that it may be difficult," Smallear warned. "This is something I don't think even Starclan has done before-"

"I don't care!" she screeched suddenly. Lionheart padded a step back and Smallear's fur bristled.

"Okay," soothed the gray tom. He looked around nervously. If Bluestar or another cat heard them, it'd be over before it started. "But you have to keep quiet. No one's supposed to know about this."

"Is this a trick?" Speckletail mewed suspiciously. Her eyes flicked from Lionheart to Smallear and back, narrowed to slits. The gray tom would have felt glad his mate was not lost in grief, but for her to suspect her own family was too much for him.

"No, I assure you this is not a trick," he mewed, raising his tail when Lionheart was about to speak.

Speckletail stared at him for a few more seconds. "Show me," she stated simply.

Smallear sighed inside with relief. He flicked his tail and padded away. He could hear Lionheart's strong paw steps and Speckletail's unsteady one's as they followed him through the bushes and undergrowth.

_Please let me be doing the right thing,_ Smallear thought as he guided the cats through the forest of trees and undergrowth.

The trio continued to pad through the trees. Soon the bushes turned to thorny brambles, the undergrowth devoid of grass. The trees they passed had less and less leaves until only bare branches was all the dead trees grasped. The smell of prey and rich sunshine was far behind them. Only the scent of musk and age could be detected. The mist itself was the giveaway: It had appeared light and hardly noticeable at first; but now it hung so heavy and thick in the air Smallear could barely see what was in front of him or hear the cats following from behind.

He stopped. He heard the other two pairs of paw-steps pause as well.

He turned to face a glum and nervous Lionheart, and a frightened yet excited Speckletail standing beside him.

"This is as far as I can take you," Smallear murmured.

Speckletail peered through wreathes of mist behind him. Ahead of them she could just make out shadows and darkness. Even from this distance she could feel the cold and deadness radiating from the shadowy trees.

"What is this place?" She shivered uncontrollably.

"This is the Place of No Stars. Or Dark Forest as we call it," answered Lionheart.

"What is that?"

"It's a place for cats who disobeyed the Warrior Code, if they kill for power, use greed to harm others, they're placed here," Smallear explained. "Cats who've been turned down by Starclan because of their motives and actions."

Speckletail blinked, horror etched in her face. "Snowkit's in there?" she narrowed her eyes as she stared through the trees. Her mother instincts nearly took hold, but she dug her claws in the ground to prevent herself from flinging her body into the darkness. She had to hear what Smallear would say first.

He shook his head. "This is but a path you must take. The Place of No Star's is like a pathway between our grounds and the endless paths of others. Once you enter, you just keep going straight, and eventually you'll be able to separate from both Starclan, and The Dark Forest."

"Where will I go from there?" Speckletail asked. She was feeling very nervous about this, and with good reason. She still wanted to find Snowkit, but at the same time she dreaded meeting any cat that might kill her...

But she's already dead. What is there to fear?

"I don't know," Smallear admitted. "No one from Starclan has ever ventured away from these grounds as far as I can tell. But I assure you that if your love and bond for Snowkit is strong-"

"It is!"

"-then the path to find him will open before you," Smallear finished.

"There have been a few Starclan cats that were able to follow the living cats from places not even Starclan could reach," Lionheart mewed quietly.

Smallear nodded. Speckletail looked interested now. "Silverstream's love for her children Stormfur and Feathertail were just enough for her to follow them while they journeyed to find Midnight." He left out the fact that because Silverstream knew where her children were she did not have to pass through the Dark Forest. She was here in Starclan, and at the same time away following and guiding her young ones. And the fact that her kits were alive and strong for Silverstream to find them didn't help in comparison to Snowkit's already dead and lost spirit.

"Then my love for Snowkit will be more than enough for me to find him!" Speckletail's eyes took on a new glow of hope.

Smallear hesitated. "If you don't sway, then yes."

The longer he just stood there staring at his mate, the more stronger Speckletail seemed to become. She no longer looked frail or helpless, but courageous with a goal she was willing to undergo and complete no matter what. He felt both proud and heart-broken for her.

"Starclan may not be able to guide or watch over you from here on out," Smallear reminded her. "But I will pray for you and Snowkit."

Speckletail nodded stiffly, eyes frightened but defiant. "Thank you Smallear." She tentatively licked her mate's ear, then looked around to Lionheart.

"I can only guess that Goldenflower might have tried to stop this from happening if she knew," she continued. "And it might even be the most mouse-brained idea. But... I have to do this."

She padded to her son and gave him a lick between the ears. "Take good care of Bluestar and everyone else while I'm gone."

"I will, Speckletail," Lionheart stood proudly, though his eyes betrayed how much he would miss his mother.

She nodded, then stepped forward. In no time the shadows swallowed Speckletail's form. Only the faint scent of the she-cat clung to the air for a brief moment. Smallear stayed where he was and drank in the scent before it, too, had vanished.

"You didn't tell her the whole truth," Lionheart whispered.

Smallear sighed. "I know."

Lionheart shook his head. "I know I thought of this, but I still don't understand why she would try it. I miss Snowkit too, but even I know there's no point in this."

Smallear looked his son dead in the eye. "Because hope was all she had to live for, and it's all she has now to keep going."

* * *

**I always felt bad for Snowkit, and figured if they could reincarnate Cinderpelt, they might reincarnate Snowkit as well, since he never even stood a chance to be a Warrior...**

**Unless he grew up as a spirit and became "Snowtuft" in Dark Forest 0_0**


End file.
